The Corporate Office Party: A Christmas Story

Ahh Christmas time and time for that traditional office party. Time for us to put on our fake smiles and our false pleasantries to gather en masse with our fellow coworkers for some hard earned schmoozing and political ass kissing. Let’s take a scientific look at common Christmas Party dwellers, shall we?

The Smilers
Easy to spot The Smilers are the biggest ass kissers’ of the bunch. Normally they run in packs circling the person of highest authority they can find. Smilers nod a lot, laugh at everything the boss laughs at, and do the tell tale pointing with a drink.

The Cubicle Managers
Cubible Managers are those who are low enough on the political totem pole not to be a part of normal management but are willing to tell you how they would have handled the business over the past year. Common phrases heard are “let me tell you what I would have done…” and “I would have…”. Generally found in small groups with other Cubicle Managers and fellow subordinates.

The Drunk Dude
The Drunk Dude is the one guy who views a corporate party as his chance to score free booze. You don’t find a Drunk Dude, Drunk Dudes find you. Drunk Dudes commonly laugh too loud, yell instead of talking, and insist on putting their arm around everyone they meet. It’s not uncommon for Drunk Dudes to be telling everyone how much they love them by the end of the night.

The Drunk Chick
Drunk Chicks are the first to sit on the copier passing out photocopies of their ass print to everyone in the office (and you thought it was only in movies). Drunk Chicks are commonly found passed out by the end of the night. Prone to vomiting, Drunk Chicks are by far the most dangerous.